Cultural Phenomenon: Yoga

I know many of you were encouraged and enlightened by my most recent "Speedo" post, and I have been asked more times than I can count now to continue to write commentary on other cultural phenomenons. Today we will look into what could be considered one of the most oxy-moronic activities of our day. This act involves one to manipulate and contort their bodies into the most un-natural and uncomfortable positions possible in order to achieve some sort of peace and calm: WHAT?? I know, it doesn't make sense. However, you can find yoga classes and all gyms and activity centers. Originating in India, yoga was started as an ancient spiritual practice that allowed one to reach certain levels of enlightment. Taking from Bhuddism, Hinduism, and other eastern oriental religions, yoga has been around for centuries. According to wikipedia, "The ultimate goal of yoga is the attainment of liberation from worldly suffering and the cycle of birth and death. Yoga entails mastery over the body, mind, and emotional self, and transcendence of desire. It is said to lead gradually to knowledge of the true nature of reality". Clearly lacking in any true theology of the one true God who has declared our purpose and the "true nature of reality" through His word, yoga is clearly unbiblical. My commentary on the phenomenon will be strictly limited to the "non-spiritual", physical aspects of yoga that is emphasized at your local gym. I once saw a class going on and was quite amused to see some "husky" people trying to get their bodies into positions that I knew they could never manage. I just thought to myself, "how stupid is this?" It's amusing to me to think of the people that merely get caught up in the "latest fad" because it is popular. Never in their right minds would these people contort their bodies in such a way, in the name of health, unless society suddenly tells you: "oh this is good for you". Through my years of extensive research and daily "people watching" skills, I have found some of the most popular positions and will explain them to you:

He Say She Say

a popular position in which the female definitely has the better end of the stick. The woman sits calmly with legs crossed and arms out. The man will dislocate his hip in order to rotate his leg in such a way as to lean his head up against his calf. The man will support himself with merely his "still located" leg and his left arm (for right-handers, switch if you are left handed). As you can see beauty and grace are at the heart of this wonderful position. Peace and calm will be felt for hours. To add an extra level of "calm" you may also grab a bar or beam with your raised hand, and simply pull yourself up and down several times during your peaceful meditation (not pictured). Perfect for first and second dates. WARNING: Do not eat up to 1 hour before.

The Bipod

Almost like a tripod, but you use two hands only. Preferably done on a small purple sheet, the yoger (?) will cross one leg over both arms while extending the other leg out. Usually one will hold the position for 1-2 seconds before falling. During the exercise, most blood will rush to your head and you will quickly lose consciousness, thus reaching perfect calm and peace while you lie there lifeless on the beach. Please notice (for advanced yogists) her toes are completely extended outwards (almost as if cramping). If done properly your shadow will look like a midget sitting down on your purple towel. WARNING: Not recommended for people that have allergies.

The Stinkbug
A very popular position in the mid west. Can be done individually or in groups. In this stretch you begin by lying down on your stomach. It is preferable that you actually eat right before participating in this stretch. with arms and legs spread out, you should feel some building of tension in your inner stomach. When you feel like you are ready to release your "inner tension" you will slowly walk your hands and feet close together as you can to make what will look like a mountain or upside down V. While holding this position you will slowly (or quickly) feel the "inner tension" leaving you as you reach your meditative state. WARNING: if done in groups it is recommended that you are single file side by side (as shown), not one in front of the other.


The Rocking Chair

A beginners stretch. SIMPLY grab your feet while lying on your stomach and pull. Picture oneself trying to bite the tag off of your boxers. This stretch is great and recommended to be done after the "Stinkbug". This stretch was actually one of Dave Crawford's favorites while going through seminary. Again, a small purple mat is helpful. WARNING: if you have ever had, or never want to have a hernia, do not try this at home.











The Escen

Made popular in the late 80's, the Escen is now a staple of the yoga industry. This relaxing pose can be attained while consuming coffee cake, or is it coffee and cake? Anyways, the Escen can only be achieved in a state of complete calm and fullness. Shorts with the slits up the side are helpful to allow the full stretch of the legs. Ones head must be slightly tilted off to an angle while your neck remains perfectly straight (almost as if your head is independent of your body). Arms must remain perfectly straight, while your back leg will be straight at a 45 degree angle and front leg is bent at a 90 degree angle for perfect balance. The Escen has been reportedly seen on movie sets like "Camp Cops" "The Cake" and "Surf Boys". WARNING: only attempt if you are a pro.

Well hopefully this little lesson has helped you understand the amazingly absurd cultural phenomenon of yoga. I hope you were as enlightened as I was.